Jails, Institutions, and Death

I started using every day, through my wedding and all... I wanted to be completely numb-and that's exactly what I did. Even while at work, I found the ways and means to get what I needed so that I did not have to feel the loss of my father, the stress of a failing marriage, and the emotional/physical abuse that I did not even realize was happening. I got so comfortable in my own chaos, that I could not see the insanity that I was living in.

I ended up getting more criminal charges, to the point that my lawyer told me to go to treatment. I went to a local treatment center... I actually checked in on my first wedding anniversary, it was then that I started to realize that without my addiction, my husband had no control over me, as I started being exposed to a recovery lifestyle- he started pulling away. It took me 3 tries with treatment, I went three times within 6 months-while also serving weekends in jail for one of my many charges..., but finally my using got so bad, and I was so emotionally and spiritually empty inside, that I was willing to put in the effort to change my way of life.

My last stay in rehab was after I hit one of my many bottoms, I hit so many bottoms-that I really cannot tell you which one was "rock"... but this might've been it... I had gone to Baltimore to get drugs earlier in the evening on February the 27th of 2015... the day before my ex's birthday... but of course by the time I got home, I needed more. It was late, and the only person I could find to sell to me was in Annapolis, so I then manipulated a guy I knew-that was my MO...male manipulation to benefit myself- into letting me stay with him that night in Annapolis, so that I wouldn't have to come back home after copping one more time. I can distinctly remember driving to Annapolis and suddenly thinking to myself... "Why am I still even trying?" "Your husband is gone, your job is gone, your life is gone... Why try anymore?" These thoughts got worse and worse as I kept driving- until I finally decided to try to take my own life, it was freezing rain and icing, as I took an exit ramp I cut my wheel 90 degrees into the guard rail, hoping that I wouldn't wake up... but I did.

I woke up after I assume blacking out from hitting my head, I couldn't move my left arm...but I managed to get myself out of my Jeep. I don't remember much after that until I woke up in Shock Trauma, arm in a sling, my mother telling me that I almost lost my arm and my life...

I fought through the withdraws, I only took pain medication for a few days, and the day I got discharged from Shock Trauma, I still had to go report for my weekend in jail... cast and all. I strung my sling up to the top bunk so my arm wouldn't swell too bad as I tried to sleep, and I realized that I had nothing left inside myself, I had no energy to be able to keep living this way, I needed to change.

However, my last time in treatment, I was fed up with myself. I could not believe that I had found myself in rehab...again... Sitting through the same group sessions and the same speakers and the same videos... I was so frustrated that I started acting out, I broke almost all of the rules in place at that treatment facility, to the point that the owner had to kick me out. But he must've seen some hope in me, because he told me that if I made it to a recovery house in Annapolis by that night, that he would still help me in court with my charges.

Even though my accident was on my way to Annapolis, I had to wonder if God was guiding me there for a new purpose...which sparked my willingness to change- it truly kicked in for me, I made sure I found a way to get back to my mother's house to pack my things, and my mother offered to drive me to Annapolis. I was excited to get away from my husband, who by this point had completely left me. I was excited to not only be clean, but live clean... with a fresh start.

When I thought I was "okay"

I managed to hold my hectic life together for a long time, I went to work, took care of my Daddy- went to his treatments with him while doing my homework, and then would go to my college classes. My life was chaos, but I somehow managed to have a relationship amongst it all. 

The treatments and surgeries my Daddy went through, gave us a lot more time with him then doctors had predicted. Work, school, and taking care of him was my life for almost 2 years. About 1.5 years into it, the man I was with proposed to me. We quickly planned a wedding, hoping that my Daddy would make it long enough to attend. 2 months before our wedding date- my father passed away.

I held his hand in the hospital room as he took his last breath, and my using picked up like I had never stopped- I didn't want to feel anything at all. We went through with the wedding, but I was not mentally present at all, it all seems like a dream looking back on it... It was the beginning to my very drawn out end 

It got worse... Fast

After high school, I went to the local community college- where academics fell off and athletics picked up... A long with other "extra curricular activities"... My using became more and more of a problem. How much do I need to feel this way or that way? How am I going to afford it? Who can I get it from? All between practice and classes. I ended up getting a DUI before I was even of legal drinking age- but then I had a guy fall in love with me, and since he stuck by my side through it, and I survived the repercussions, I didn't see any reason for my using or my behaviors to change. 

He partied just as hard as I did, and same goes for all the "friends" I chose to surround myself with- we all thought that our using habits were normal... Looking back on it now, we couldn't have been anymore wrong. 

First post... A bit of the beginning

I'm a Maryland girl, by way of Long Island. I spent most of my growing up in a loving, middle class, family- my mother and father, and a younger brother. Moving away from my family in New York, caused a lot of loneliness and identity issues... I learned at a very young age how to be a social chameleon to be able to feel "a part of." 

I never truly felt "in" anywhere, except on a sports team. I was gifted in basketball, but more so in softball. Academics came easy for me, but honest social skills did not. I always thought that people would not like or accept the real me, so I never gave them a chance to see it... I would give a little, but always hold back more. I've always been awkward; tall, red headed, shy... Which did not help either- especially as I went through middle and high school. 

I first experimented with weed the summer before high school, and alcohol shortly after that... I quickly learned that substances allowed me to let my walls down, social anxiety no longer existed, I could let my goofy-free spirit- and sometimes completely inappropriate thoughts just come out of my mouth... And the people I was hanging with, seemed to actually like me, and wanted to be around me... It was new for me, and I ran with it... The rush.

Through high school I continued to excel in academics and athletics, so my partying was never seen as too much of an issue. There was always "something" going on every weekend, and there was always "someone" that I put all of my efforts into- I've never been good at balancing my own needs, with trying to keep up with other's. 

After high school, it got bad... Fast