Jails, Institutions, and Death

I started using every day, through my wedding and all... I wanted to be completely numb-and that's exactly what I did. Even while at work, I found the ways and means to get what I needed so that I did not have to feel the loss of my father, the stress of a failing marriage, and the emotional/physical abuse that I did not even realize was happening. I got so comfortable in my own chaos, that I could not see the insanity that I was living in.

I ended up getting more criminal charges, to the point that my lawyer told me to go to treatment. I went to a local treatment center... I actually checked in on my first wedding anniversary, it was then that I started to realize that without my addiction, my husband had no control over me, as I started being exposed to a recovery lifestyle- he started pulling away. It took me 3 tries with treatment, I went three times within 6 months-while also serving weekends in jail for one of my many charges..., but finally my using got so bad, and I was so emotionally and spiritually empty inside, that I was willing to put in the effort to change my way of life.

My last stay in rehab was after I hit one of my many bottoms, I hit so many bottoms-that I really cannot tell you which one was "rock"... but this might've been it... I had gone to Baltimore to get drugs earlier in the evening on February the 27th of 2015... the day before my ex's birthday... but of course by the time I got home, I needed more. It was late, and the only person I could find to sell to me was in Annapolis, so I then manipulated a guy I knew-that was my MO...male manipulation to benefit myself- into letting me stay with him that night in Annapolis, so that I wouldn't have to come back home after copping one more time. I can distinctly remember driving to Annapolis and suddenly thinking to myself... "Why am I still even trying?" "Your husband is gone, your job is gone, your life is gone... Why try anymore?" These thoughts got worse and worse as I kept driving- until I finally decided to try to take my own life, it was freezing rain and icing, as I took an exit ramp I cut my wheel 90 degrees into the guard rail, hoping that I wouldn't wake up... but I did.

I woke up after I assume blacking out from hitting my head, I couldn't move my left arm...but I managed to get myself out of my Jeep. I don't remember much after that until I woke up in Shock Trauma, arm in a sling, my mother telling me that I almost lost my arm and my life...

I fought through the withdraws, I only took pain medication for a few days, and the day I got discharged from Shock Trauma, I still had to go report for my weekend in jail... cast and all. I strung my sling up to the top bunk so my arm wouldn't swell too bad as I tried to sleep, and I realized that I had nothing left inside myself, I had no energy to be able to keep living this way, I needed to change.

However, my last time in treatment, I was fed up with myself. I could not believe that I had found myself in rehab...again... Sitting through the same group sessions and the same speakers and the same videos... I was so frustrated that I started acting out, I broke almost all of the rules in place at that treatment facility, to the point that the owner had to kick me out. But he must've seen some hope in me, because he told me that if I made it to a recovery house in Annapolis by that night, that he would still help me in court with my charges.

Even though my accident was on my way to Annapolis, I had to wonder if God was guiding me there for a new purpose...which sparked my willingness to change- it truly kicked in for me, I made sure I found a way to get back to my mother's house to pack my things, and my mother offered to drive me to Annapolis. I was excited to get away from my husband, who by this point had completely left me. I was excited to not only be clean, but live clean... with a fresh start.