First post... A bit of the beginning

I'm a Maryland girl, by way of Long Island. I spent most of my growing up in a loving, middle class, family- my mother and father, and a younger brother. Moving away from my family in New York, caused a lot of loneliness and identity issues... I learned at a very young age how to be a social chameleon to be able to feel "a part of." 

I never truly felt "in" anywhere, except on a sports team. I was gifted in basketball, but more so in softball. Academics came easy for me, but honest social skills did not. I always thought that people would not like or accept the real me, so I never gave them a chance to see it... I would give a little, but always hold back more. I've always been awkward; tall, red headed, shy... Which did not help either- especially as I went through middle and high school. 

I first experimented with weed the summer before high school, and alcohol shortly after that... I quickly learned that substances allowed me to let my walls down, social anxiety no longer existed, I could let my goofy-free spirit- and sometimes completely inappropriate thoughts just come out of my mouth... And the people I was hanging with, seemed to actually like me, and wanted to be around me... It was new for me, and I ran with it... The rush.

Through high school I continued to excel in academics and athletics, so my partying was never seen as too much of an issue. There was always "something" going on every weekend, and there was always "someone" that I put all of my efforts into- I've never been good at balancing my own needs, with trying to keep up with other's. 

After high school, it got bad... Fast